Valuable Public Service Announcement

If you have bought a watermelon, because it is July and they were only 66 cents a kilo (30 cents a pound) and the thump made by your drumming fingers was exactly perfect, and then stowed it in the fridge that is actually not that far above freezing, be sure you fish out the grocery store receipt to see how much it weighs and if it says 4.860 kg, do not then proceed to sit down and eat half of it in one go because it is the most absolutely perfectly ripe watermelon you’ve ever eaten and it would be a shame to let it have a chance to decay to a less than perfect state, not even if that eating in one go is spread out over 45 minutes of your lunch hour.

Never mind the hypothermia, your stomach will, well, I won’t tell you that your stomach will break, but I will tell you it will certainly feel like it for a while and your lungs won’t be able to fully inflate (there just won’t be space).

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